Treasure Hunting - Flying Free
Well, this morning I am planning on going on my weekly treasure hunt ...garage sales and thrift stores hoping to find a treasure...the one that will get me out of debt, and maybe help to pay for some new wheels!
It's not all about greed, I also like the hunt - finding that one object that catches my attention....researching it (another hobby - researching) and then if I am lucky listing and auctioning it off on eBay. That is only if I am lucky.
Three years ago eBay helped the kids and I to get through some really hard times. At the time I was still married, but the abuse was escalating out of control....the only time he was sober was when he was at work. We were separated and had been after the first time he really physically attacked me...1 year prior to that the verbal and emotional abuse went hand in hand with his out of control drinking...spiraling out of control, and taking everything and everyone in his path down with him.
All those years together were being destroyed by a liquid which fed mental illness - and there wasn't a damn thing I could do - I had to let go to save the children and myself...to break the cycle of dysfunction that both of us grew up in.
Tough times...emotionally, and financially. A parentless daughter... a husbandless wife....an emotionally broken woman....living in a place where I was still the stranger in town - alone...tired...scared...and broke! Flat busted broke! He was off bouncing from house to house ..flopping here and there on couches..and had control of the money. I was without a job, and two cars in the driveway where neither of them ran...one needed a radiator, and the other was leaking gas.
I cannot tell you how many times the children and I ate oatmeal and pancakes for dinner. Top ramen noodles stir fried with whatever veggie I could find nor can I ever find the words to express the fear in my heart - I was scared for Tim, I was terrified for the children, and when I thought about myself I only felt numb.
It was the summer of hunger, the summer of despair, the summer after I lost my mother, the summer I knew I had lost my husband, the summer where the rape and death threats began and the summer my children lost their innocence and were exposed to a world ...an environment I swore to myself the day I had them I wouldn't allow to happen. It was the summer of life out of control.
Me? This is where my life has lead me?
How could it be? I was an outspoken woman...I was a leader...I had lead protests in Washington DC...I was an advocate..I was a dedicated daughter, mother and wife...how in the hell could this have happened? Why God? Why me? Why can't I get a break? Didn't I pay enough dues as a child? Wasn't being molested enough for one person to handle? Hadn't I been a good person? Why me, God, Why?
I spent many a summer night sitting on my enclosed porch asking those questions...wishing, hoping, PRAYING to get an answer....to be able to close my eyes and wake up somewhere else...anywhere else...with the life I knew in my heart I deserved.
I had to figure out a way to get money...to find a job...to get my car running to make all of that possible. I had to feed my children.
That is when I opened my eBay account and sold whatever I could, whenever I could to get by. I hated being put in that position. Selling things that I had hoped to one day pass on to my children. We didn't have much to begin with....but each thing I did have held memories of family - something in my heart I longed for again...family...I longed to belong and feel like I was loved....remembered.
So each time a possession of mine would sell, I would box it up with tears rolling down my face..the price I paid at the end of my marriage was more than just the emotional ...physical...sexual abuse I suffered...the price I paid meant to also let go of heirlooms..my past..the good along with the bad...that oatmeal...those pancakes...the phone being kept on, and water running through our pipes...cost more than they ever should have.
It was at the end of that summer three years ago that I filed for divorce....a year after that I suffered that last assault at Tim's hands..then six months later, while he was in jail awaiting trial...our divorce was finalized.
Had it not been for the few friends I had....one being 2000 miles away from me, and spent many a night listening to my ramblings until the sun came up, and I could fall asleep not being afraid of the dark that kept me awake....I am not sure I would have found the strength to make it through that test in my life.
I suffered the pain of breaking through a cocoon. I paid the price for the wings of freedom I now have. To say it was easy would be a lie....so to any woman reading this...any man....anyone who may be fearing the future while letting go of the past - to anyone finding themselves alone with their pain and thoughts and asking God why...know that it is all for a reason - you'll know that the first time your wings of freedom take flight.
So yes, today I am off on a treasure hunt. Perhaps I will find that one item to now help me break free from financial debt....or perhaps I will just enjoy the time spent knowing that anything can happen....maybe I will even find yet another butterfly to add to my collection I started three years ago....who knows, but the one thing I do know....I'm free to be me.