This weekend, as I was painting, I did a lot of thinking -- as you most likely can tell thinking is something i tend to do a lot of....one very good friend in Oregon would say ..."TOO MUCH!" Anyway I am not sure if I like this being "single." And no, it's not because I am uncomfortable with being alone...or because I need someone to "complete" me...but more because I don't really get this world of dating.
Last month I wrote about that special someone I had met and dated, and how intense it all was. And there's no doubt it was intense - so much so, that I got scared because I realized that I was happy....a feeling that for many years I've missed feeling. Anyway, a fear settled in that one day it could all be gone....that I could wake up and he would be gone. That scared the hell out of me, and rather than having to wait for it to happen....I pretty much sabotaged my own happiness - and he caught on to it fast (can't blame him). So "we" are no longer, and haven't been since last fall. We did go out once in February, and keep some light communication going...but I fear that ship has sailed.
My good friend in Oregon tells me I need to play the "game." That "dating game". He tells me to be coy...make "them" chase me...etc...etc.. I tell him he is out of his mind. I DON'T WANT GAMES!!! I should also mention that he tells me this stuff one second, and the next second complains how women today don't know how to be honest and play too many games...yes, it leaves me scratching my head quite a bit while I point out the hypocrisy in his statements (he's lucky I love him!)
I must admit I am somewhat more cautious than I was back two decades ago before I was married. Maybe some of it is I find it harder to trust, and when I now do trust...and it is shattered, it hurts more than ever before. Life does that to a person. I will say though I do not believe I am bitter like some women I have spoken with on this subject...I don't blame all men for my ex and what he did...if anything maybe I carry still to much self blame for not seeing the damage earlier on.
Another element of being back in the "single scene" is I do live in a very small community..my county has a population of under 25,000 people. My town has just over 4000 and that includes those who are in the county jail, and another treatment facility ran by the Wisconsin Dept. of Justice. That along with being very involved in my community on many different levels...people know me. Everyone here knows everyone else or is related to someone who does know. It's not exactly easy to meet someone without everyone finding out about it, and somehow talking about it. That's why elements of that relationship I had was perfect, he lived about 4 counties away...and our relationship was ours alone...well kinda, but that's another story.
I am pretty much still a big city girl living in the country. I grew up outside of Chicago in the suburbs (Evanston, and Des Plaines), and spent most of my life among diversity and culture - now it's farm fields, cows and Packer fans. Sometimes it's hard finding that common bond between those two worlds. I am a person who once protested on behalf of animal rights (even went veggie for quite a few years) and have been a very outspoken progressive democrat...now living in a republican stronghold where hunting season is a holiday children can take off from school. I don't have a problem with people hunting..just I will not eat Bambi. Top all of that off with the drama of the last few years...and yes, I've turned in to "that woman!" Polarizing to say the least.
I'm thankful for that friend of mine in Oregon and our almost nightly phone conversations on life, love and the state of the world. Our strange little 3 year long friendship has kept me sane during some trying times. He tells me about the women he sees and chats with, how screwed up they all are (of course he's not, LOL!) and I share with him the emails and messages I get from men...some married (some things never change)...some in their 20's (what is up with that?) and then some who are 25 years my senior....needless to say we have some good laughs.
In our 40's and single my friend and I are. One thing I've noticed by our nightly conversations is that single people our age are scared, more scared than ever of suffering a broken heart. He covers it all up well by pointing to women's flaws, and I by keeping a certain distance between myself and men. And before you comment on why the two of us haven't gotten together ....well...he knows my flaws, and I know how far away he is...it's a perfect friendship!
Yup, a scary new world out there.................
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